As Singapore is facing the rapidly increasing graying population, intergenerational co-residence has become common in most homes. This is seen as a form of filial piety especially in Chinese homes. However, is all that well?
Every evenings on my way home, I would always be greeted by a friendly, warm smile of a white-haired grandmother of one, who seemed to be enjoying the company of her three-year old grandson. They were once my neighbours. They lived in a four-room condominium in Bishan, with no domestic helper. Her daughter would come home from work, expecting her son to be well-fed, every corners of the house to be clean and dinner to be ready on the table for the family once she got home.
She chose to stay with her daughter's family, leaving her husband alone in their three-room flat at Queenstown. Besides taking care of her daughter's home, she had no other responsibility. Her daughter was her sole support, financially and emotionally. However, things may not always turn out as expected even if you have been gaining wisdom and experience throughout your life.
Being her sole provider, she felt that she had "control" over her mom, she often yelled at her mom if her son was crying from hunger in the middle of the night, or if her mom had accidentally misplaced her favourite dress. Her mum was not respected, she was in fact treated worse than a domestic helper. She seldom had a decent, quiet dinner.
Yet she kept mum about all that happened, as she felt that it was wrong to wash dirty linen in public. No one knew about her plight until recently when she took the plunge from the highest storey on our condominium. That was when we last saw her daughter's family.
Now I realise how the phrase "Driving someone to her grave" came about. So much for Asian values.
Imagine if you were the husband having to bear with all the disrespect to an elderly person, how would you resolve the conflict?
Oh,my god!!!I am really shocked by the result......really!Now all i can feel are the pity for the old grandmather and the shame for the daughter,all i can imagine are the scenariors of the poor old lady humiliated by her daughter who she thought was her dear and only support.The grandmother must have endured and cumulated so much sorrow and disappointment that will lead her to end her life in that way.
ReplyDeleteIf i was the husbang of that mean daughter,i would try to persuade my wife to stop treating her own mother like that and conpensate his mother-in-law in other ways to make her feel not so upset and desperate!But i need to highlight here:if i was the husband,i would definitely not marry and fell in love with that kind of woman in the first place.
I guess this is one of the situations where it would be a tad too late. But if I were her husband, I would probably not have just kept quiet. Like you Vikki, I would have tried my best to stand up for my Mother-in-law. On the other hand, I believe that such a stand varies from person to person. Having been brought up in a family where display of affection is very common, I find it very hard to swallow and be quiet when I see someone else being rude to his or her mother.
ReplyDeleteI would first try to drop subtle hints to my wife that she should be more kind to her mother. I would also at the same time speak to my Mother in law, and try to find out how she feels instead of letting her bottle up everything. I would also sit my wife down and explain to her how this also affects our child's outlook on how he should be towards his parents and his grandma. I will not rush into reprimanding her about her behaviour, but instead try to suggest ways in which she could make her mother feel more loved. Eg... "Shall we bring your mom out today for a meal? I think she's tired from all the work and deserves a good meal!" Something perhaps along those lines so that my wife will realise what a good job her mother is actually doing and from there allow her to see that her mother deserves her respect and gratefulness as well!
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In the short span of our live, there are not many chances for one to commit a mistake and regret upon. This is a very good example. Many a times, we will take for granted those people around us and the ones closest to us, not appreciating the little things that our loved ones have done for us.
ReplyDeleteJust like in this case, the daughter completely took for granted that it is the mother's duty to take care of her family's needs, thinking that since she is the sole bread winner, the mom is at her back and call. I agree with Jane and Vikki's suggestions. Adding on to those suggestions, I think that another effective way to make the daughter to realise her mistake is to get her son to question his mom. "Mummy, why you so fierce to grandmother? It is very hard on her to work so hard when she is so old already. Next time when you are old, I will not make you work so hard." I think that by hearing what the son said to her, this unfilial daughter should at least wake up and do some self reflection. The husband can also teach the son to communicate more with his grandmother. When she feels being loved and appreciated, she will not feel so grey.
I'm sure what the mother wants is just some appreciation, validation, love, care and concern. It's such a simple task but it seems unachievable. Just a simple thank you is enough to make the mother's day. All the daughter needs to do is to love and appreciate her mother a little more and such a tragedy can be averted.
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ReplyDeleteThanks, Jaenette, for sharing with us this compelling scenario. Your description is quite good, except that I think your story would be clearer if you used the nouns "an elderly lady, her daughter and grandson."
ReplyDeleteThe focus is on the older lady, right? Then make her the main noun.
When you state "she" in one sentence, and "she" in an adjacent one, even though they refer to different people, it can be confusing.
For example, you state: "Her daughter would come home from work, expecting her son to be well-fed, every corners of the house to be clean and dinner to be ready on the table for the family once she got home. She chose to stay with her daughter's family, leaving her husband alone in their three-room flat at Queenstown."
I like the way that you have generated such good feedback from your blogging partners. It shows the relevance of this case.
I appreciate all your hard work!